I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since that Halloween.

Let me break it down for you.

I work 7 and a half hours a day entering data and answering the phone to people who can’t use a website and won’t read the instructions we send them.

Then I have chores, like everyone else. I have to exercise. I have to make rehearsals for whichever play I’m in now. I have to make choir practice, piano practice and martial arts class, while trying to get to the acting group on Mondays and the Improv group in Maidstone. I have to get enough rest in between to avoid burning out. I have to sleep, try to socialise, spend time with my girlfriend, and do it all while fighting the urge to drink to temporarily escape the pressure.

Then I look at you and you’re killing it. I don’t care how tough the struggles are, that you fight hard against, that I don’t see. I die of jealousy reading the quality of your writing and seeing the things you get to do. I know comparison is killing my peace. Maybe your pay isn’t great. Maybe it’s not as glamorous as it appears. I don’t see the insecurities, the stress and the pressure. But I’m older, stuck in a menial job, feeling like my dreams and potential are all fading away.

I need to work to be grateful and grounded again. But, it turns out that quitting my antidepressants was one of the worst decisions I’ve made in years. I slid into a black pit of anxious despair in September. I’ve just climbed out of it. Still recovering and figuring out what to do to change things so I can be content. Maybe it will mean abandoning my old dreams and living in the real world.

I wanted to impress you and all I’ve done is fail because I set my sights too high. I thought the world needed a figure - a character - that would remind people that there is such a thing as truth. That there is such a thing as right and wrong and that it is to be found in a balance navigated between the complexities of life, with grace in your heart. Someone that could stand up with enough humour and disarming charisma to cut through all the nihilism and remind people to keep standing up to fight for the world.

I thought it might be possible. Foolish enough to think that I might be able to do it. Deluded enough not to quit now.

Trying to write my poetic pieces on a self-designed website has been an obstructively challenging task. I just need to get things down. To simplify things in a clear and accessible way.

I’m going to try again. Starting small, I’m going to work on a substack called Educating Eli. The purpose will be to research, explain and comment on topics of concern relating to current events. I’ll be looking to cut through the noise that rampant speculation in the online discussion throws up, coming to conclusions about what we know, don’t know, and how we should frame our responses to current events. Hopefully this will help me build up knowledge and talking points to build a message on.

I’m also going to get out there and try to find a pathway to a career that I enjoy and will help me. I think I’ll go speak to local councillors first. Maybe that will give me ideas.

In the meantime, I need one thing from you. Help me or leave. I don’t need a lot, though I can be slow, and forgetful. Signs of support, encouraged deadlines; any suggestions if you have them. The pressure of comparing myself to you and your blossoming career is crushing me. Help me to communicate more closely with you, or let’s just walk away.

Regardless, you go with my admiration, thanks and best wishes.

You’re spectacular.

Now I must leave with my girlfriend for a holiday.

Please be clear.